Can You See The Real Me?

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Why’s Scott started his blog with a picture of him in his band?

It’s not really me. It’s another part of me.

Let me explain…..

I’ve always been kind of open to the fact I suffer from depression and anxiety, I’ve never shied away from the fact. But one thing that seemed apparent from the current bout I’ve had was the amount of people that said I didn’t seem like the type of person who suffered from things like that. I always seemed chilled and cheery.

A long time ago I discovered a way for me to help cope with my anxiety and depression. I could disguise my shyness and quietness by becoming a different version of me. Recently I’ve realised I have several different versions of me. Everyone does it to some extent. People’s version of themselves at work is often different to what they’re like at home. It’s human nature. I just think people who suffer from depression do it to a greater extent.

Being depressed doesn’t mean you’re sad or miserable all the time. To me it’s about having that certain darkness constantly on your shoulder talking in your ear, sometimes loudly and sometimes just whispering. It doesn’t go away, it’s just the volume is louder at times. It doesn’t mean an absence of happiness, it just means sometimes they’re swamped below feelings of negativity.

As a consequence, I’ve developed different versions of me around different people with certain aspects turned up and others dialed down. It’s become easier to compensate for this by becoming different things for different situations. It’s not like I’m living a lie, it’s more that some parts are exaggerated to help me cope with people, and to help people cope with me.

Work and the band have a similar version of Scott. Tattooed and sarcastic and a bit more brash. My family and close friends get a quieter, more thoughtful version of me, prone to more moments of introspection. Sarah gets the closest version of my real self, a lot more quieter and unsure of myself. It’s true that you tend to be more open with the one’s you love. And, it’s so much easier to hide things in plain sight.

Even my tattoos are, by extension of this, part disguise. They make me look ‘not like me’, or at least not like person I should be, if that makes any sense. Although saying that, they’re also incredibly personal to me. Each one is there for a reason and they all tell part of my story.

I don’t think I’ll ever be free of the various aspects. Part of me doesn’t want to be. But I’m more honest about them, I’ve embraced their existence and their necessity in my life. But I’m also learning that I can balance them out more. Slowly people are getting to see a more universal me. There will still be slightly different versions (I don’t think the real me could get onstage with my band) but I think that eventually I’ll be more complete rather than having to exist this fractious existence.

As usual, I can be contacted at rustyred666@googlemail.com if you want to talk further. Also, search for The Order Of The Dog on Facebook, a closed support community we’ve created to work alongside the blog.

Cheers,

Scott Hamilton
rustyred666@googlemail.com

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