This blog was written on Friday evening. I felt like I’d been struggling all day with my mood……
Even though I’m out of the other side from my last big episode, it’s still there to a certain extent. Anxiety and depression ebb and flow like the tide, just without the regularity. You can feel it creeping in for days or sometimes it just crashes in like a tsunami of negativity.
Today feels like a struggle. Feel like I’ve been able to put on the pretence of it being a normal day but my mood is dictating otherwise inside of me.
I started feeling this one descending a few days ago. I’ve been working on a blog focusing on what had happened just after my overdose a good few years ago. It was a bit of a slog getting through it all to be honest. I’d spent quite a bit of time writing and rewriting everything, wondering how open and honest to be about my life at that time. As weird as it sounds but it had actually been a lot easier to write about my actual suicide attempt than it had been to write about it’s aftermath. Perhaps it was being down to the fact that I could approach the story about the overdose with something more of an analytical approach.
This time though the dog feels as though it’s got some teeth in me and it’s trying not to let go.
The black mood is just hanging there, ebbing and flowing. I can feel it trying to get at me and I’m fighting it all the way. It’s shit how it tries to recolour everything. Things that I know start to get questioned as I feel it’s paranoia working it’s effects on me. I’m starting to doubt things. As dumb as it sounds but I’ve started questioning the validity of the doing the blog. I know it’s doing what I want it to do. It’s letting me articulate my feelings and put things out there. It’s allowing me to communicate and help people and that was the whole purpose.
But the mood is making me think twice. I’ve sat here wondering why I bother, what’s the point? I know the benefits of it and I know about the positive feedback. I just don’t know why I’m feeling negativity about something that’s brought me nothing but positivity.
I know it’s only temporary,is a passing phase. A lot of people I know aren’t feeling quite right. Perhaps it’s something contagious. I wouldn’t care but there’s plenty of good things going on, just feel like I’m stretching a bit to appreciate it. Things will be better soon though. Perhaps I just need to recharge my batteries a bit. Let’s ride the wave out, let’s see where it takes me.
The tittle of this blog comes from the song ‘Deathstimate’ by the Irish band Therapy? You can find a link to it’s video here Therapy – Deathstimate
As usual you can get message me at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you search for The Order Of The Dog on Facebook you’ll find the closed support group I’ve set up. There’s other sufferers there as well as people who know someone who’s affected by mental health issues.
The Order Of The Dog