Down In A Hole

So, Friday felt like a good day and there was the prospect a good weekend ahead of me. After a while I could feel my mood just disintegrate before my eyes. 

I write all my blogs on the WordPress app on my phone, purely because I travel a lot to and from work everyday and I find it convenient as I always have my phone on me. There are always several ongoing blogs as well as notes on there so often use it to snapshot ideas for future blogs. I picked up my phone and wrote the following just before bed:

“Busy, fast moving day. Got lots of positive things done. Another blog out into the world. I have a glass of wine and my mood comes crashing down. 

Want to hide away from everything. Feel like everything I’m doing is pointless and a waste of mine and other people’s time. Had a shower for twenty minutes purely so I didn’t have to speak to anyone for that time. My mood feels at rock bottom, my teeth are clenched tight and I feel like I don’t want to be a part of anything anymore.”
Emotionally I had felt like things just suddenly switched. Feelings of self doubt overwhelmed me faster than I could imagine as I struggled all of a sudden to deal with the negativity my emotions were drenching me in. 

My mood can flip at the drop of a hat and often it’s for no reason at all. It’s weird like that and really goes to show that is not rational at all. 

Let’s look through what I wrote a little bit more though. 

I acknowledge that my mood was good at the start. I’d made some good progress through the day with work and my own personal goals. All positive. At least I was able to acknowledge that before the negativity kicks in. 

Did the glass of wine trigger it? One glass of wine? I don’t really think so. I don’t drink often at all, and I’ve been slowly drinking less and less over the years. I certainly started refraining from drinking for a several reasons. I wasn’t enjoying it as much as much anymore, hangovers certainly felt worse, I didn’t like the feeling of losing control and, finally, my moods are certainly a lot more unpredictable.

Why did my mind suddenly feel like I’d accomplished nothing? I certainly had proof that I’d achieved things that day. I often doubt my contributions to things, sometimes even to life in general. Sometimes the messed up way my brain processes anything means that it will always find the negative aspect of something and pull it apart, magnify it and then blow it out of proportion. 

Another aspect of my depression kicking in is the way I feel the need to shut myself off from people and things. It’s almost like I feel I’m contagious when I’m like this, that people will become infected by me. That, and not being the most social of people at the best of times just kind of gives me an excuse to shut down interacting with people. 

Twelve hours or so later after some sleep, my mood started a bit more of an upswing. I was more myself by the early afternoon which I was pleased about as I had a lot going on that weekend and I didn’t want it ruining by an inconsiderate mental black cloud hanging over. 

So, what had caused my mood to change back? Was it rest? Was it being out in the sun? I’ve no idea. If I knew that I would keep the cure on tap ready for these moodswings that catch me off guard. It just draws a big line under things for me, acting as yet another example of how quickly things can change, how quickly my mood can go from positive to negative and that it’s a slow crawl in comparison to turn it around. 

The title of the this installment of my blog comes from the song Down In A Hole by Alice In Chains. You can find a video of it on YouTube at Alice In Chains – Down In A Hole.

As usual, if you’d like to talk further please drop me an email at theorderofthedog@gmail.com. Also I’ve created a closed support group on Facebook also called The Order Of The Dog. It’s for people who suffer from mental illnesses as well as people who want to support others and get a better understanding. It’s a closed group so only members can see, post or comment on what’s in there. Head over to The Order Of The Dog to join. Finally, please feel free to share this blog with anyone and anywhere where you think it might help. 

Cheers,
Scott
The Order Of The Dog.

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