Feel like it’s been one step up and two steps back at the moment.
Things just seem to get settled then I have a wobble and it throws everything to the wind again, shaking my self confidence.
Perhaps today has been a case of being too tired, pushing myself a bit too much. Perhaps I’m just being overly sensitive. I don’t know.
Felt like today I was having a mini meltdown at work. Some things just felt wrong, my over active brain fucking up the situations it’s given. I’ve got the tension back sitting in my jaw and at one point my shoulders felt so tense to me you could bounce pennies off them.
It’s dumb. My manager sat this morning and commended me on my work performance and how well I’m dealing with anything that’s presented to me. A few hours later and I’m doubting everything I’m doing. My paranoia ramps up as my confidence decides to drown itself.
I’m left feeling tired and drained. My legs feel like lead and my arms are like rubber. I’ve done a whole 180 degree turn on myself. My anxiety pushes me to a point where I feel like an animal chasing it’s tail. I know that catching up on myself means trouble but I keep on trying.
The real stupid thing is I’m not stressed and I’m not under pressure. I feel I’m in a generally good place. So why is my anxiety wanting to derail everything? I really wish I knew. I have no reason to feel the way I am at the moment. But anxiety doesn’t need a reason, it doesn’t need an excuse. All it needs is the slightest opportunity and it’ll have is own way with things, irrespective of if there’s a reason for it to come out and play.
Just tired now. Normally I can make something positive from pretty much every situation but I’m struggling with this one.
Perhaps I’m over analysing this? Perhaps I should just accept it as a momentary lapse of reason and move on? Wish I could but there’s a sadistic part of me that just wants to find a reason for it all so it’ll keep picking at the scab some more. Trying to switch off and failing miserably.
One step up and two steps back.