One Step Up And Two Steps Back

Feel like it’s been one step up and two steps back at the moment. 

Things just seem to get settled then I have a wobble and it throws everything to the wind again, shaking my self confidence. 

Perhaps today has been a case of being too tired, pushing myself a bit too much. Perhaps I’m just being overly sensitive. I don’t know. 

Felt like today I was having a mini meltdown at work. Some things just felt wrong, my over active brain fucking up the situations it’s given. I’ve got the tension back sitting in my jaw and at one point my shoulders felt so tense to me you could bounce pennies off them. 

It’s dumb. My manager sat this morning and commended me on my work performance and how well I’m dealing with anything that’s presented to me. A few hours later and I’m doubting everything I’m doing. My paranoia ramps up as my confidence decides to drown itself. 

I’m left feeling tired and drained. My legs feel like lead and my arms are like rubber. I’ve done a whole 180 degree turn on myself. My anxiety pushes me to a point where I feel like an animal chasing it’s tail. I know that catching up on myself means trouble but I keep on trying. 

The real stupid thing is I’m not stressed and I’m not under pressure. I feel I’m in a generally good place. So why is my anxiety wanting to derail everything? I really wish I knew. I have no reason to feel the way I am at the moment. But anxiety doesn’t need a reason, it doesn’t need an excuse. All it needs is the slightest opportunity and it’ll have is own way with things, irrespective of if there’s a reason for it to come out and play. 

Just tired now. Normally I can make something positive from pretty much every situation but I’m struggling with this one. 

Perhaps I’m over analysing this? Perhaps I should just accept it as a momentary lapse of reason and move on? Wish I could but there’s a sadistic part of me that just wants to find a reason for it all so it’ll keep picking at the scab some more. Trying to switch off and failing miserably. 

One step up and two steps back. 

The title of the this installment of my blog comes from the song ‘One Step Up’ by Bruce Springsteen. You can find a version of it on YouTube at Bruce Springsteen – One Step Forward.

As usual, if you’d like to chat to me further you can email me at theorderofthedog@gmail.com and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. I’ve created a closed support group on Facebook also called The Order Of The Dog. It’s there for people who struggle with mental health issues as well as people who want to support and get a better understanding. It’s a closed group which means only members get to see and interact with what’s posted there. Finally, please feel free to share this blog with anyone and anywhere you think it might help.

Cheers,
Scott
The Order Of The Dog.

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4 thoughts on “One Step Up And Two Steps Back

    1. Thanks. I’ve suffered on and off now for over twenty five years. This past year has been one of massive ups and downs for me and my mental health. At the minute it feels like I’m struggling but I’m determined to get through this. Hope you’re doing well at the moment, keeping fighting your fight.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I can relate to some of what you’ve said here. I’ve come to accept that the anxiety and depression will always be there. There is no cure for them. Yet I find that the more I research my illness and the more I write about them, the more equipped I am to deal with them.

    Have you ever tried meditation out of interest? It took me a long time to feel the benefits, but with a lot of practise it is amazing how much calmer you feel after doing a session. Or even just learning some useful breathing techniques 🙂

    Like

    1. Hi there. Thanks for that. Yeah, I’ve been doing guided meditation through the Headspace app for a few months now which I find really helpful, especially when I feel an anxiety attack coming on. But certainly agree about the more you read the more you want to write.

      Liked by 1 person

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