One Step Up And Two Steps Back (Part Two)

This is a continuation of my previous blog which can be found here.

I’ve struggled the past few days, really struggled. 

The change suddenly came and it immediately plunged my mood into darkness. My anxiety has crept up and has brought it’s friends depression and paranoia along for the trip. This has led to introversion, mood swings and doubt. 

Ironically, I’m struggling to talk about it. Ironically in the sense that I’ve set up a support group on Facebook and I’m advocating better mental health awareness and support. Somewhere the Dog is laughing at me. I’m surrounded by caring and supportive people who would want to help but it feels like I’m not allowing them in. 

But, I have this blog. 

I have these words I write down. I can be honest here. Then all I need to decide is if I publish this or not. By publishing I’ll be admitting I probably need a little more help than I’ve expressed. By writing here I’m able to say things I might struggle to say in person. By writing here I can put a voice and a form to thoughts and feelings, hoping that by being honest and open I don’t offend or push people away. 

I have this blog. 

My head is suddenly not in a good place and that has me worried and confused. I’ve accepted that I can have bad days as well as good, but I’m still at a loss to the reasoning behind my mood switch. 

Things I would normally let me pass are hanging around me and bothering me. They’re getting under my skin and I’m finding it hard to let them go. 

My darker emotions are more in control. I have sat and cried a few times now. I can feel the mask I normally wear start to slip and I know people are aware of it.

Last night I dreamed. I don’t often remember them but this one I did. In the dream I tried to kill myself by hanging, a way a neighbour did when I was a child. When I woke up my memories of it were still there. And, although it was only a dream, a tiny part of me was unhappy that I was still here. 

I have this blog. 

I have this blog and I need to write in it. I need to be honest and open, I need to purge myself of these things, these thoughts and these feelings. I can draw a line under them and I can try and move on, try to heal myself again. And it’s always again and no doubt there will always be another again, thanks to the circular nature of this disease. 

I have this blog. 

I have this blog and it is part of my cure. I’m not at the bottom and I’m refusing to go there. I’m fighting it all the way. It’s okay not to be okay even though I want to be okay. 

And I will be. 

I have this blog. 

The title of the this installment of my blog comes from the song ‘One Step Up’ by Bruce Springsteen. You can find a version of it on YouTube at Bruce Springsteen – One Step Forward.

As usual, if you’d like to chat to me further you can email me at theorderofthedog@gmail.com and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. I’ve created a closed support group on Facebook also called The Order Of The Dog. It’s there for people who struggle with mental health issues as well as people who want to support and get a better understanding. It’s a closed group which means only members get to see and interact with what’s posted there. Finally, please feel free to share this blog with anyone and anywhere you think it might help.

Cheers,
Scott
The Order Of The Dog.

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2 thoughts on “One Step Up And Two Steps Back (Part Two)

  1. Anxiety is no different than a physical illness. It requires treatment; it requires help. There is no shame in asking for it if you feel like you can. I’m sorry for your lows today, and I hope tomorrow brings you some relief. Be well friend.

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    1. Today is a different day. I’ve been sitting in my favourite cafe in Durham, eating hummus and olives, drinking coffee, listening to the Pixies and generally feeling relaxed. Being as open as I have been the past few days has really helped me deal with things.

      Liked by 1 person

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