My brain often will attempt to trick me into trying to belittle me and what I’m doing. It takes my achievements and discolours everything so they become pointless.
I feel like the blog is doing great things, as is the support group I’ve put together and curated. A few days ago I received an email telling me how much it had helped someone. I’ve created a way for me to voice things that I hadn’t been able to do before (it acts as part journal and part public forum) whilst creating a safe place for others to talk and receive support and understanding. But yet my twisted brain belittles this and tells me I’m just pissing into the wind. It means nothing.
I’ve created another blog to talk about music as a way to balance things out for me, to write about things I enjoy. It’s meant I’ve been able to talk to musicians I like and respect. Who wants to hear what you think? chimes in my paranoia. Nobody.
Myself and my partner have recently returned from Berlin where we had a great time. It’s become one of my favourite places. Whilst we were there we visited the concentration camp at Sachsenhausen and heard the stories of the horror carried out there. We went to other places and heard other stories of atrocities and bravery. I want to write about them and my experiences from the trip. What makes you think you have a right to talk about these things? And what even makes you think you have the ability to do this? There it goes again.
It brings apathy. I love playing music but find it hard sometimes to motivate myself to pick up a guitar or even enjoy it. I love hanging out with my friends and talk but it makes me want to hide away from everyone. I lack the desire to read or write, I have to physically force myself into doing things. And when you do that it sucks a little bit of the joy out of it.
I’m mindful of my situation. Forcing myself into things can be counterproductive. I want to be able to just do things without feeling that everything is a chore. I want to be able to be what I am on a good day all the time. I don’t want the nagging doubts that plague me every step I take. I don’t want the doubt to colour everything I do with a hue of negativity. I want to be able to feel what other people see in me.
I want to have the chance at seeing myself through their eyes and believing what I see. All I see, breathe, ingest is own doubt.
It’s not like I’m in denial. I know this is just an illusion my mental state plays on me. I know it’s all just smoke and mirrors but I can’t see any further than the fake vision I see before me. I don’t like feeling like a victim in this but sometimes it’s wearing me down.