A friend messaged me after my last blog post regarding my increase in anxiety and my questioning of a few things. It made me think about what had happened.
When I was having counseling last year regarding my anxiety Stephan, my counsellor, suggested that part of the reason I had anxiety was my desire to make people happy. When he first said that I thought okay, but I don’t quite understand what he was going on about. So he asked me if I often do things or go places when I would much rather be doing something else. I answered that I did.
Stephan suggested that this was part of the reason I felt anxious. Because I was doing things I didn’t quite want to, I was storing up all this anxiety. Even though I would enjoy the things I didn’t really want to do it enjoy the places I would go to was immaterial. The body and mind would still just focus on the initial resistance rather than letting go properly.
This was something my friend had picked up from my writing and immediately the penny dropped.
A lot of my negative feelings stemmed from situations where I felt like I was letting people down in some respect. I’d left the band but I seemed to be more worried about how they felt about it rather than focusing on the pressure that I’d been relieved of. There was the email I’d been sent that I’d felt a kind of helplessness about. There was the negative reaction to a post I’d been associated in that made me feel bad for the other person and how I couldn’t help them.
I was worried more about how the other person felt. Okay, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing but, looking back at it all, perhaps I was slightly more focused on other people rather than myself. It’s all well and good but perhaps I needed to be a little bit more selfish?
She pointed out that I always seemed to put the needs of others, possibly ahead of myself, that I need to make others happy to feel a sort of self worth. And that feels right to me, it resonates. There’s nothing wrong with making others happy but when it comes at the expense of your own well being, that’s not right.
I need to rebalance my own goals. Yes, I will still try to help people. Yes, I will make sure others are happy. But I will make sure that I’m looking after myself too, that I accept myself the way I am, rather than how others think of me.
And I feel alright…….