The past few weeks have seen me make some personal changes to my life, changes I needed to make to redress my internal balance and try to feel happy once again.
There was also a conscious decision to focus on my needs in life, what I need and want. This realisation helped centre a lot of things and I could feel the anxiety I was starting to feel again on a daily basis start to subside. I still feel it every now and again but it’s hooks are less in my skin now.
I’m still over-thinking things at times though, and still I’m still over-analysing situations. Part of me well always do this. But I’m trying to focus more on me, myself and I rather than how it will affect others.
I still care about the feelings of others and still take them into consideration. You have to, but my main goal in life is to have a happy one and that means more looking at myself.
My decision to leave my band seemed to surprise a few people but I received a lot of support reassuring me. People understood it was a hard decision to come to. It was. I still believe it was the right thing to do for everyone involved and I have felt a sense of relief because of it, despite not having the safety net of being in a band anymore (there was always something comforting about that). I don’t know if the other guys feel that way. I have a suspicion that they don’t, but I hope they realise that I couldn’t continue to fake it anymore. I’ll miss being around them but I need to take myself out of situations that are having a negative effect on me.
The timing of me going back into a recording studio this coming weekend with another older band could have been better, but it’s just the way it’s fallen. It’s been arranged for a few weeks now on the of chance of our the original guitarist being up in the area from London. It’s the first time we’ll all be in the same room for a good few years trying to play songs we’ve never played together in over a decade. It should be fun and I’m hoping to use it as a healing experience whilst drawing a line under a few things (I talk more about it in another blog here). After that musically? Who knows. I’ve got no immediate plans, I’m just going to spend some time trying to recapture that magic spark inside.
There’s been no magic cure for any of these decisions or the need for change. An online chat with a friend triggered a link to my therapy sessions last year which made me realise I had to make changes. I couldn’t go living my life trying to make others happy and ignoring how I felt. I had to have the self conviction and strength to come to the necessary conclusions and act upon them. For once I was going to start focusing on my needs .
The past week or so has seen me feel better in general, but also about myself. My positive attitude is making me feel good and certainly more relaxed. Before that I could feel things starting to build inside. I could feel myself reverting back to the way I was last year. I really didn’t want to be back in that mindset again so doing all these various things had stopped me feeling that way.
Over the next few months I’ve got a good few things to look forward to. I’m going away by myself to see Paul Miro in Derby, which is a pretty big thing for me. Got a few more gigs to go to as well. There’s also Sarah’s birthday, Christmas, my birthday. Lots of things. I’m looking forward to just relaxing and just enjoying life. For once I kind of feel at peace with myself and everything around me.