When I first started with my counseling sessions about a year ago, I never fully realised the effect it would have on me. It might sound stupid but I thought it would be a quick fix of the anxiety and depression I was going through, a patch-me-up job so I could kind of get on with things. I never fully realised the long reaching effects it would have on me, things I still feel to this day.
I’ve always thought of myself as a work in progress the counseling only helped to confirm that. You see, counseling doesn’t fix you, it gives you the tools to help you fix yourself.
Counseling gave me the ability to look into myself, to try and see where I was going wrong. Anyone can suffer from anxiety or depression. You don’t need to have a trigger. You don’t need to suffer some kind of emotional trauma. Sometimes it’s just life that gets to you.
I believe that my episode from last year was a culmination of several different things. Personally I feel that part of the cause was my need to want to keep everyone in my life happy. I would often sacrifice my own happiness for that of others. Nobody really asked me to do that, it was something is conditioned myself to do subconsciously.
My life had almost become a parody if itself. I only looked to how other people felt. If they were happy, then I was happy.
Except, I wasn’t really.
Things slowly built up inside until I found everything collapsing around me.
Counseling encouraged me to take a long, hard look at myself. To look at myself in an unbiased way and without judgement. It was hard to do so at first, it took me some time to look inwardly without judging myself for what I did. Just because something has happened doesn’t mean we should continue to torture myself over it. I shouldn’t beat myself up mentally and emotionally over endless possibilities.
Part of the thing I went through with healing myself was being open about what I was going through to others. I had to talk and say what was on my mind. It also meant that part of me held somethings at distance. I had to address what was going on with myself before everything else.
For once I had to put myself first.
One thing I discovered after coming out the other side was that everyone is going through something. We all have something going on in our lives that is potentially damaging us. It’s how we deal with it that matters.
My dealing with it meant I was able to help others. If people asked for support, I would try and give it as best I could. If people wanted my advice, I would think on things and try and offer them what I thought. I would try and be there for them.
Being able to help others now is a big thing for me. I know that I can’t be there all the time for them, but to know I can help them along the way is good. I don’t need to centre my life around them. We can drift into each others orbits every now and again.
Occasionally I would come across others who were struggling, who would also be keeping people at arms length. Some I would try to persist with them, others I let be, hoping would reach out when they were ready.
You just can’t second guess people. All you can do is try to help them as best they can. You can try to offer help, you can try to offer support. But you can’t force it on them.
To start healing yourself you need to be receptive. Only you can be the judge of that. You cannot force people to feel better, it just doesn’t work that way. You might even feel hurt yourself by others you’re trying to help. Try to let it wash over you. Just remind them that you’re still there, no matter what. If you hold on to negativity it can only hurt you, not help you.
Remember do things that’s right for you. Try not to live your life pleasing other people. People should be happy if you’re happy, no matter the reasons behind it.
Stop living your life for others, start living your life for you.