So, last week was a week off work. I also took the opportunity to have a week off from blog writing properly too. I mean, I made a few notes and things for future pieces of writing, but generally it was just a week of getting back to dealing with normal things that people get up to when they have a week off like decorating and Christmas shopping.
Seeing as though I was spending most of the week around the house I also decided to use the opportunity to start looking at the effectiveness of my meds.
Currently, I’m on 75mg of Venlafaxine a day which I’ve been taking for almost a year now. I’m due a meds review in January to see how things are going so I thought it was a good time to try reducing the dosage my halving my intake. At the moment it’s two tablets, one in the morning then one in the evening so I dropped my intake to just the one tablet.
That was fun (not). As the week went on I found myself more irritable, wanting my own company more and generally feeling more and more anxious as the week went on. In other words, just being a complete pain in the arse to be around. I was even annoying myself.
By Sunday, I didn’t really want to get out of bed. Lying under the duvet was warm and comforting. The thoughts of mixing with people really didn’t inspire any joy in me. Just after eleven though I managed to make a compromise with Sarah: go into Durham, have lunch then a bit of a wander before coming back home. I made it and certainly needed a nap by the time I got home from a mix of the anxiety leaving me drained and the large Sunday lunch which was devoured.
Today sees me back at work. I know exactly what to expect from it all but that doesn’t stop the anxiety any. Add another restless night into the mix and I’m as jittery as hell heading to work. I’ve got some music on to help down out the white noise that’s building in my brain. After talking to Sarah last night in switching back to my standard dose of meds to help try and keep me on an even keel.
I know they haven’t had time to kick in properly yet but I’m fighting this fucker with every ounce I have. I’m refusing to let myself relapse again to a level I was last year.
You see, one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to learn was how to deal with myself. Nobody can change what’s wrong with me internally, nobody can fix me no matter how hard they try. There is only one way through this and that’s through myself. If I’m falling I’m going to build my wings on the way down and pull myself up out of the free fall. I’m going to look at this directly in the eye and stare my anxiety down.
It might be a solo fight but it doesn’t mean that we’re alone in all of this. There’s plenty of people around who’ve got my back and they’ll have yours too. People will have your back no matter what. You’re not dammed as much as you think. Sometimes all you need to do is ask them, not hold them at arms length. If you’re busy doing that then you’re not busy fighting it, you’re just wasting your time and your energy. Together we can be stronger. Actually, forget that. Together we ARE stronger.
You ready? I am. Just bring it….