I’ve not really posted much in January, as you can probably see. Normally I try and post something from me once a week but the past month has seen me unhappy with anything I’ve written.
I would start to write peices then discarded them part way through, even if it was almost completed. Nothing was really grabbing me when I was reading them back, the process was starting to feel redundant.
The blog’s year anniversary came and went. I wrote something but didn’t publish it. Reading through it made me feel like it was missing something, that it was going through the motions so it stayed in my unpublished file.
Naturally, my brain started thinking. What if I’d come to the end of my story and hasn’t really realised it? I wasn’t in the depths of depression or anything. It kind of made me feel that writing about myself in a blog on mental health was kind of redundant.
But, to quote the Godfather “just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in again!”
My back decided to spasm on Sunday night. I was drying my hands in the bathroom when it happened. I could feel the muscles in my lower spine twitch and pulse unnaturally. I yelped (probably the best way to describe it) and had to steady myself against the wall. The pain was terrible, shooting up my back and down my legs.
It didn’t improve much over the next few days. My back throbs. Pain shoots up and down my legs and my back. My legs feel rubbery when I stand and walk. I was at the doctor’s Thursday morning and he said the joints in my lower back are out of alignment, causing the muscle spasms and the pain. I just need to keep up the painkillers, heat pad and tiger balm on my back.
The back pain has also brought some unwanted side effects. Yesterday my anxiety started coming back, it chokes out any logical reason in my head. Just when my back feels like it’s improving, it pops and sets off my anxiety, my mood plummets.
When I get like this I really struggle with things. Good things can happen, and they do, but I find it hard to take joy from them. I sit feeling almost hollow, wanting something to come along and fill me.
I know it’s only temporary, tomorrow could be completely different. Tomorrow could make the past few days seem like a distant memory. The anxiety and dark night of my soul may just dissolve away.