My Body Is A Cage

My body feels tired and worn down, and my frame of mind isn’t too far behind it either. 
At the minute I feel like I’m pushing myself, possibly a little too hard. I wake up in the morning just as tired as I went to bed. My body feels like it’s continously aching and I’m feeling much older than what I am. My back feels better than it did the other week but I’m still wary of it. My knees ache like an old man’s might. 

My brain is on its own rollercoaster journey, constantly stuck in an ‘on’ position. Everything feels raw like an open wound, everything stings. I feel like I’m about snap or sob with people. I’m struggling to focus on things around me. Downtime seems like it’s snatched here, there and everywhere, and not fully enjoyed as I know it’s fleeing and won’t last. 

Is my body reflecting my mind or is my mind a reflection of my body? Hell, they might not even be connected at this stage but it feels like it. 

Weary. That’s possibly the best way to describe it. My to do list feels like it isn’t getting done, it just keeps on getting longer. I wish I could just crumple the list up and just throw it away but I know that’s not a luxury I have, none of us do. 

I can feel the Dog flexing it’s jaws and I know that I’m it’s target. Once it clamps itself on to me again I know it’s going to be a fight to beat it. I’m trying to not even give it the opportunity but I’m not sure how much longer I can keep dodging it’s advances. 

As kids we weren’t warned that this is what life was really about. School never gave us any warning. I’d like a another go please?

I would like to push the reset button and kind of start again. Hindsight gives anyone a kind of superiority over the past. There’s always talk of never repeating the same mistakes. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s made you who you are. I’d just like to approach my reset with knowledge to toughen myself. I’d make the same choices and decisions, I would just hope that with that extra bit of knowledge to hand they’d be a bit easier to deal with a second time round.

I’m just venting. I need to let this out. I need to let go of the little things my body and my brain is holding on to. Perhaps I would be a better person if I could let it all go, but then again I might not. I just try to maintain this facade of being okay, keep fighting the pressure that’s building up these cracks.

The title of the this installment of my blog comes from the song “My Body Is A Cage” by Arcade Fire. You can find a video of it on YouTube here Arcade Fire – “My Body Is A Cage”. I’ve also now created a playlist on Spotify featuring the songs I include in my blog. You can find it over at The Order Of The Dog Spotify Playlist. I’ll update it every time a new blog is published.

As usual, if you’d like to chat to me further you can email me at theorderofthedog@gmail.com and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. I’ve created a closed support group on Facebook also called The Order Of The Dog. It’s there for people who struggle with mental health issues as well as people who want to support and get a better understanding. It’s a closed group which means only members get to see and interact with what’s posted there. Finally, please feel free to share this blog with anyone and anywhere you think it might help.

Cheers,
Scott
The Order Of The Dog.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “My Body Is A Cage

  1. Great piece Scott and I feel like a scratched record when I say I can totally relate to what your experiencing but it’s so true.
    Yesterday I said to my GP that I cannot believe how tired and worn out I feel but it appears part & parcel of this illness so I guess that where we’re at.
    Stay strong bud I’m always around if needed.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I just wanted to reflect that a lot of what you write talks about “fighting it” “gritting your teeth” “hanging in there” it all sounds very struggle-y. I just wanted to invite you to ask yourself “what else is possible?” “what could make life less of a struggle?” I often feel like I hear someone ‘putting on a brave face’. I hope you don’t mind me referring back to a conversation we had about meds a while ago – you insisted you were ‘managing’ on the dosage at present. I reflected that it was still a pretty low dosage and if you felt you were struggling at all, why not increase it a bit more? I might be totally off, here, but it felt like an attachment to ‘struggling’ when not long after, you talked about panic attacks and bad days etc.

    What is wrong with taking a higher dose? Does it feel like failing? That you ‘should’ be able to manage without a higher dose? All of this is asked with lots of love, of course. No judgements or criticisms here.

    Financially do you HAVE to work full time? Could you drop a day? would 0.8FTE really make that much of a difference to your household? A lot of us don’t even consider working less than 35hrs a week because ‘that’s what everyone else does’. Everyone else isn’t you, though. I know people with depression who haven’t worked in decades. There is no shame in it. Just asking some questions, no pressure. Isn’t callcentre work notoriously stressful, too? Would a less pressured environment help? Don’t know if you’re one of the people who have their calls timed and have to put their hand up to ask to go to the toilet but if so, a GP once told me she saw dozens of very young people getting ill very quickly under those tight constrictions. Sometimes we forget that we have choices and options available. We don’t have to struggle as much, if we can take a bit of pressure off here and there.

    I want to end the comment by reminding you of a lot of the awesome achievements you’ve made to improve your wellbeing in recent months. Just because I have asked a lot of questions and made a lot of suggestions, doesn’t mean I don’t see a lot of progress, too. I think it was really hard for you to leave your band but you did it and it paid off. You seem quicker to be gentler with yourself when feeling a bit pap, as well. I truly believe this can help prevent potential meltdowns.

    Tune in to your own gut feelings about what I’ve said. The gut ALWAYS knows your truth. Peace 🙂

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s