Got On My Dead Man’s Suit And My Smilin’ Skull Ring 

Just when I think I’m better, I feel it. Just when I feel there’s enough distance between us, I see it’s shadow. Just when I’m enjoying the silence, I can hear it’s low buzz.

It starts again in my stomach like it always does. My breathing starts to become shallower. My fingers start to twitch and I get the ache in my shoulders. I can feel it rising. 

Anxiety can be a bitch. Just when I feel I’ve got on top of it, it’ll give me a brief respite then start up again. But just a little bit, enough to start my internal alarm bells ringing. 

Ffs, I’m starting to annoy myself now so God knows how people around me feel.

I keep writing here. I keep trying to put my thoughts into some kind of cohesive structure that makes sense to me. The words do, but making sense of the whole thing? 

That would be a resounding no then. 

Sometimes I wonder what it must feel like for people I know (and those who don’t) to read this. I don’t know if I could get an understanding of what goes on in my head, trying to pull words out of the mess my brain is in. 

I end up with almost a degree of self loathing. I understand I have an internal need to articulate things but I also hate that I’m having to do it. Part of me feels like I’m weak, almost like I’m doing this for attention. I never want anyone to think that about me. But is that just part of what I’m going through, looking to deeply into everything until I find something that will trigger me? 

So, there’s the question. Am I triggering myself? 

I don’t think so. I know I have a tendency to over analyse things, but that’s just me. I’ll always pick at something until I can find a fault with it. Nothing’s perfect. 

I often find myself censoring what I say at times. If you think there are times when I ‘over share’my experiences, there are a lot more that never see the light of day, believe me. There are so many that get deleted before they get chance to being published whilst more sit languishing in their own form of purgatory on the WordPress app on my phone. 

If I don’t hit publish they don’t exist, right? 

I’m sitting here now wondering if there’s any point to this rambling blog post. There is, even if it’s just a way to confront myself with some of these feelings, to remind myself they still exist, that they’re not fully resolved. It pays to remind myself my anxiety is still there, even at the smallest degree, it’s still pulling at the fringes of my life, colouring everything I see, feel and do. 

It will never be gone. And now it’s time to try and accept that. 

The title of the this installment of my blog comes from the song “Further On Up The Road” by Bruce Springsteen. You can find a video of it on YouTube here Bruce Springsteen – “Further On Up The Road”. I’ve also now created a playlist on Spotify featuring the songs I include in my blog. You can find it over at The Order Of The Dog Spotify Playlist. I’ll update it every time a new blog is published.

As usual, if you’d like to chat to me further you can email me at theorderofthedog@gmail.com and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. I’ve created a closed support group on Facebook also called The Order Of The Dog. It’s there for people who struggle with mental health issues as well as people who want to support and get a better understanding. It’s a closed group which means only members get to see and interact with what’s posted there. Finally, please feel free to share this blog with anyone and anywhere you think it might help.

Cheers,
Scott
The Order Of The Dog.

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4 thoughts on “Got On My Dead Man’s Suit And My Smilin’ Skull Ring 

  1. Scott everything that you written here makes complete sense to me never ever question yourself.
    I fully understand and relate to your experience and like you say there’s so more you could share but don’t because the nature of the beast is to cause confusion self doubt and yes self loathing.
    There is always a point to express your thoughts one way or the other although many would say I should practice what I preach.
    You ask am I triggering myself, more than likely my friend it’s something we do intentionally I don’t know but that’s my belief.
    Take care Scott your a good man who’s thought care and advice is always welcome.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. As always my man your words touch my soul..it is uncanny the resemblance sometimes between how you and I are sharing the same anxieties although I don’t pretend to be able to appreciate the deep dark caverns that yourself and our brothers and sisters have ever experienced but all of us have our own demons and dogs biting away at our sanity but you my brother must promise me…never ever stop writing whether it be blogs songs or idle ramblings because you touch people without knowing it without asking and unknowingly you are helping each and every one of us. It’s weird to feel so much pride and thanks for such a humble human being who I feel blessed the have as a spiritual brother…Stay strong

    Liked by 1 person

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