Things have been out of balance the past few weeks and I feel like I’m starting to ride a rollercoaster of emotions. At the moment I feel like life is one extreme or another.
There’s been good things and bad things going on in my life. I’ve started writing music reviews over at Three Songs And Out which has been great. Also, I’ve been getting some cool feedback on my acoustic project, The Hollow Men. I’ve also accepted my first gig booking for this getting to play for my friend’s birthday with the amazing Boss Caine. Sarah and I are also close to booking our holiday to New York in December. I’m even managing to shed the little bit of weight I wanted to.
All good. Happy Scott.
Then there’s the another side. My gran has been very poorly in hospital. She’s been in for four weeks now. At one point we thought we were going to lose her. Just as we think she’s making progress something happens and we take a few steps back.
I worry a lot about my dad too. He visits my gran twice a day in the hospital. It’s got to be putting him under some strain. I’ll notice something about him then I’ll start to worry that little bit more. As I’ve mentioned before he was diagnosed with early onset alzhiemers a few years ago and the meds keep things in check. Then you’ll see something and you start to worry. Is it the stress or the alzhiemers that’s making him behave that way? You start asking yourself questions you don’t want to get the answers for. I try to remain calm but it sits there, picking away at me.
So, my moods swing constantly. One minute I’m elated, the next the opposite, full of darkness and worry.
Then there’s the third.
I’ve started calling the third state The Void. It’s a complete engulfing absence, just a huge emptiness inside.
I had a great Friday evening last week. I was feeling relaxed, I went to see Ryan Hamilton play an acoustic gig in Gateshead, where I also saw a lot of friends too. I was even looking forward to writing my review of the gig.
Saturday morning was completely different. I was out with Sarah in Durham and all I could feel was everything draining out from me. There wasn’t any real feeling of anxiety or depression, there was just…….nothing.
It kind of scared me. I’m used to feeling emotional extremes, but an absence of them was something completely different.
How do describe nothing? How do you describe that feeling of sheer nothingness? That numbness? Words can’t afford it any justice. All you want is to feel something, anything.
It passed after a few hours but kind of left me feeling drained. I threw myself into some guitar playing later on to try and balance it out which helped but also made me feel kind of manic instead, again draining me.
My emotions are still ricocheting about. I’m contemplating checking in with my doctor to up my meds, to see if they will help suppress some of the emotional extremes, or at least dial down their intensity. I need to start meditating again, even for just ten minutes a day or so.
I need to regain my balance.