Trying to explain depression and anxiety feels like an impossible task at times.
The what and the why can be concepts that come across like whispers and ghosts rather than tangible facts. If there was something physical that people could see or touch I’m sure it would be easier for people to understand and relate to.
My mood has tanked at the moment and my I feel like I’m in a constant battle with my anxiety.
Who’d want to be around me when I can’t bare to be even in my own head at times?
I became, long ago, accustomed to this darkness inside of me (a friend of mine calls it his dark passenger). It tries in vain most of the time to control my thoughts and my feelings, but recently is reared up a lot stronger than I’m used to. The fight is a lot tougher and it feels at the moment that it’s getting the upper hand.
The other day I just felt like staying on the bus as I went to work, not getting off and just sitting there until it reached it’s final stop at the coast. I just wanted to sit there, alone with my thoughts, drawing from it.
The hospital visits feel like I’m worn down at the moment, the never-ending cycle is just grinding away at me. I feel like I’m having to plaster a fake smile on, wear some kind of fake Scott costume to get through the day. I know the feeling is only temporary but, man, it feels sometimes like it’s never ending, that there’s no respite from this white noise in my head.
The anxiety is starting as well. I’ve managed to keep it at bay with the help of some friends and some of the coping techniques I’ve learned, but I worry that it’s not going to be enough.
I’ve got some good friends and family in my life who help support me, who don’t give up. I still appreciate the beauty of music or sunrise so I’m not beat yet. I’ve still got that spark of fight in me.
I refuse to let myself become the way I was before, that dark, bleak, introspective shadow of myself. There are good things and good people out there I keep reminding myself. I was supposed to go see a band tonight but I just couldn’t face it. Now, I feel disappointed in myself, that I couldn’t even go see something I would have enjoyed. Sometimes this darkness makes me feel weak and I curse it.
I feel like I’m wearing a Scott costume at the moment. That version I can wear over myself to try and make it appear I’m okay whilst I try to deal with this shit, fool myself and fool you. If it works, good. If it doesn’t……
I need to remind myself. There is always a dawn, there is always a light, there is always that change that comes to brighten things up. I need to ride this wave of darkness and try not to drown. By breathing, by focusing on what is weak in me I can make it stronger.
I can, and will, fight it. I will not let it take me down again.