I’m sat in the small bedroom at mine right now.
I’m tired and feel worn down, drained of everything. I’m trying to relax but my brain doesn’t feel like it belongs in my head. I’ve got a small light on whilst Paul Miro’s ‘Based On A True Album’ plays quietly. I’m trying to focus on that, picking out sounds that come across as different to listening to it on Spotify.
Tonight marks nine weeks of my gran being in hospital. I was sitting with my sisters in her room up on the seventh floor and I looked around at us all. We all had a haunted look in our eyes. We all look as tired as each other. But we have to do our duty, there is no other option. We have to be there for her, trying to raise her spirits just a little. Sometimes it works, sometimes it falls completely flat on it’s arse.
Tonight sees a couple of small victories. Susan starts singing a kids song about frogs so gran joins in with a series of strange noises. “Stop it gran,” I say, “you’re beginning to make normal!” We all laugh, proper belly chuckles. I wear an unused sick bowl on my head as a hat to celebrate the nine week anniversary. We laugh at something else, I get the giggles and break wind slightly. We start laughing properly which prompts my backside to join in a little louder. Oh dear.
I feel myself starting to crash later on standing in the toilets. I close my eyes as I’m washing my hands and I can feel the room moving so subtly like I’m still in the lift coming down from our visit. I feel nausea rise in me.
I get home and feel so tired. I don’t feel myself. Catching my reflection in window and I feel I look so old, like I’ve aged a hundred years in the visit. My mood tanks as I feel like so much is going on in my head right now. There’s the buzz of white noise, the incessant chatter of thoughts trying to rise to prominence over each other. Even Headspace tonight doesn’t seem to be helping with it, my focus just drifts off as I try running a session.
Some days you feel you win, some days you feel you lose, other days you wish you didn’t feel at all.