This is my one hundredth blog.
It might not mean much to you but it really does to me.
When I first started writing this it was a way for me to share what I’d gone through. It was helpful, it allowed me to make thoughts that were in my head, heart and soul that needed to be made tangible. I was able to reach out, I was able to connect. I found a purpose to myself.
Over the months it’s evolved. It explored my relationship with my mental health issues a lot deeper than I thought it would but it became more than just that. I looked into my past as well as opening myself up so I could look inside myself. I was able to tell the story of other people. It became my open journal allowing me document my life, what was happening and how it affected me. It became indispensable.
Depression and anxiety had ruled most of my life. It was a darkness that controlled me and led me down certain paths, some dark, some destructive.
But not all.
To me the darkness is also something. It shines inside me. The darkness gives me something to work against, something to push against. It acts as a beacon for me guiding me towards the hope I can have.
I have been very much a loner in life, no matter what. I’ve always marched to my own beat. I’ve always put others before myself, something that had been detrimental to me for so long. With counseling I learned that, yes, being considerate to others was a good thing, but not at expense of my own happiness.
And that’s what matters in life. That one word. Happiness. If you are doing something that doesn’t make you happy you are stopping yourself fulfilling your true potential. I know, I sound like a bit of a hippy with that but it’s the truth. Well, it might not be THE truth, but it’s certainly MY truth.
My truth has certainly led me to some changes over the past year. I still feel as though my journey isn’t yet complete. I still have a way to go. I don’t know how long it will take or where it is I will eventually end up. All I do know is that happiness is my compass. It is what leads me and directs me.
Over the past year and a bit it has brought me into contact with new people and away from others. My life has improved so much, it has been enriched because of it and because of these people that orbit through my life. I’m thankful every day for them and I know I wouldn’t be there without their strength love and support.
There are people that are no longer a part of my journey. Some because I chose not to let them join it, others who feel let down myself. To them I can only apologise. It was never my intention for that but there were times when I needed to focus on myself much more than others. It makes me sad and I hope that one day things may change. For that, only time will tell.
My journey is certainly far from over. There are still things that are to be addressed, my happiness is still not complete which means I continue to keep searching. We all go through our lives as works in progress. There is no set of instructions for us to follow. We fumble way along unseen paths in life, hoping that without the map we all need to know where we’re going we’ll still arrive at our destination and whole. We steer our ship through dark seas without a star to guide us, without charts or compass.
We are the result of our journey. We are the sum of our experiences. We can only gather what we have around us to hand to let us nourish us. Let our hopes and dreams guide us ever onwards.
Stay good. Stay well. Stay strong.