I always feel like I’ve had a dual kind of nature. I think it’s been my way of coping with my own brain and with my life.
There are multiple aspects to everyone, that’s just the way we are. To me, I definitely have two distinct sides. There’s Public Scott and Private Scott.
Public Scott is what everyone sees of me. That version of myself is the one who goes to work, turns up at family events, the one sitting on the bus, the one who’s just like what you’ve posted on Facebook. People like Public Scott.
Private Scott is a different person all together. He doesn’t exist. He’s the one who’s trapped inside my head. He’s the sower of self doubt. He’s the one who wakes me up on the small hours of the morning with an anxiety attack. He’s the one who’ll cancel your get together at the last minute. He’s the one who will take whatever you’ve just said to me and fuck with it until it’s unrecognisable and let it lose in my brain.
I really hate Private Scott.
No matter what’s going on, good or bad, Private Scott always comes along to try and make things worse like some drunk gatecrasher at a party. It’s all about him and he’ll shout loud enough until it’s hard to ignore him. He’ll take the situation and twist it to it’s own agenda.
Private Scott is permanently at my shoulder, whispering in my ear.
I’ve gotten to know Private Scott a lot of the years, especially since I’ve started fighting and dealing with this properly. Using the blog as a way to diarise what happens means I have a better grasp of my mental health journey and what my brain is doing to me.
For instance, the previous blog covering my search for happiness reflects how good and positive I’m feeling at the moment. Yet…..here Private Scott slinks up and takes all these positive feelings before twisting them into something unrecognisable. I should be feeling good but it’s scratching away at the scab until the doubt and worry starts to bleed out.
I’m lying here fighting self-doubt. I feel tears in my eyes. I just want to hide away. I’m not letting it take me, I refuse to let it take me.
I need to stop listening to Private Scott. I need to ignore him. I need to face him and stare him down.
I will not let that aspect rule me. It will not and can not win.